about army lives and "lady wives"...

LIFE IN STEPFORD

Smrithi Poornachandra

I remember watching the movie “Stepford Wives”, and wondering how people ever came up with such an idea for a script.

Here is the story for those who haven’t seen the movie. It is about a couple who move into a place called Stepford, and the wife is surprised at the strange behavior of the women. They seem very content to exist and work solely for the husband’s happiness and cater to his every whim and fancy. The story moves on to where she finds out about the human programming these ladies had been tricked into undergoing, and how their control were in the hands of their men . They are programmed to be the ideal woman (according to the men) - beautiful to look at, excellent homemakers and never complaining or questioning the men on their demands. These are the Stepford Wives. The couple gets bewildered at first and then slowly, as the movie proceeds, the husband is pressurized by the men to program his wife so that she fits into Stepford. He of course doesn’t think it is right, and the movie finally ends with the ladies all getting back full control of their lives.

Does such a place exist? I guess it does, in various walks of life … Take a look around …

Why, a few years ago I married and moved into Stepford …

How, one may ask …

I married an Army Officer and moved with him into his regiment.

Now that you’ve married into the Army, welcome to the world of “Stepford Wives”. The aim of your existence here is solely to look pretty and step in line to the “One Big Happy Family” anthem. Your main duty in the army is to host never-ending lunches and dinners and attend the same hosted by others. A part of your duty is also to attend the many army parties, your role there being purely of ornamental value.

Of course a large part of it is to ensure that the jawans’ wives are “well looked after”. This is usually translated as creating quite a few family problems for those jawans’ whose wives do not want to attend a gathering graced by a “lady”, who is sometimes not as half as educated as the jawan’s wife herself. Yet it isn’t uncommon to find many army wives insisting that the jawan’s families just cannot do without their guidance and advice.

What’s wrong with attending parties, one may ask. You have to attend one of these “parties” to actually understand how painful it is. The husband and wife arrive together. The men all move to one end of the lawn or disappear into another room altogether for the rest of the night, while the “lady wives” sit elsewhere and think desperately about something to talk about. It reminds me vividly of the men’s club house in Stepford where the women are not allowed. Of course the Queen Bee, meaning the wife of the senior-most officer, has her handmaidens around her to keep her amused. From my discreet enquiries I gather not many of the lesser mortals are actually happy to be there. The ladies and their husbands meet briefly when dinner is served. They tell their respective spouses how bored they all are and then breath a huge sigh of relief when it is time to leave, because then they finally get to see their husbands for the second time in the whole evening. Imagine having to attend such “parties” on a regular basis.

I had my impression that these gatherings were for mingling with people and mixing around. I have attended quite a few of these so called gatherings where the whole evening has passed with most ladies talking to the two or three immediate neighbours seated by their side. There is only so much one can talk about clothes and china or crystal and recipes and babies … And there is only so much one can stand of, “You know when we were in Wellington …” In fact it is quite hard not to reply, “Yes ma’am and it was your husband who worked extra hard to get there. What is your claim to fame?”

About manners … While giving due credit to the few real “ladies” out there (but they are few and far in between), the lesser said about manners the better. The rule is: the higher up your husband is the more powerful you become, and thereby earn the right to order the wives of the junior officers around. Agreeing to whatever these ladies say is the order of the day. Disagreement or non-acquiescence to their wishes is a no-no. As a wise commanding officer put it, “Everything is said to be voluntary in the army, but in reality it’s all compulsory.” For instance, if you have been invited to a movie you don’t want to watch, you must jolly well go there and pretend to like it as well. You get the drift.

Clothes and jewellery are always subject to scrutiny at the great army gatherings. At one dinner I have been asked about the price of the dress I was wearing. At another, I was told that I not wearing jewellery was fine, but now that I was in the army it wouldn’t do any harm if I wore a few diamonds… After all, my husband was on a foreign posting and could well afford it…

Did I mention there are classes on “grooming of army wives”? These classes are conducted by the senior ladies, some who make it pretty obvious they never had attended any other formal gathering apart from what the army has to offer. They talk about manners and etiquette to the newcomer and then can be overheard discussing petticoats and lingerie at the next dinner party! I hope Mrs. Manners is listening. And of course, it is done exactly in the same spirit as in the Stepford movie where one of the ladies is conducting a class on manning the mop and getting a workout…

Things are pretty sad at a peace stations. The ladies come to spend quality time with their husbands who have come into civilization from the field, usually after two or three years. The fun begins when they find that they have responsibilities like “family welfare”, better known as “family warfare” among some officers. Here one gets to help the “poor dears”, meaning the jawans’ wives, become “civilised” and “outgoing” and generally boss them around. I do not think it brings about a great change in the lives of the jawans’ wives who would rather spend the little free time on a weekend with their husbands and children. A jawan spends about a one year in maybe four years with his wife and children. That is, if he is lucky enough to get accommodation for them. When his wife finally joins him at a peace station, I am sure he would love to spend the Sunday afternoon with his wife and children - maybe go to the movies, perhaps just go shopping or visit friends. But it’s his lot to probably get into arguments with his wife who blames him for her being forced into dance rehearsals, welfare meets and such, when she would rather be with him!

Yes indeed, the family welfare does a lot for the poor jawan. He of course is looked at and treated as a mentally challenged inferior creature by the memsahibs, who think he is incapable of working out his family life without their well meaning but unwelcome interference. I wonder if these memsahibs understand that their husbands fight alongside these very men and god forbid, if one of them got injured, the same jawans will be there to evacuate them putting their own lives at risk.

Ladies, treat them with respect. This is the twenty first century. The average jawan and his wife are not the stupid village bumpkins you would like believe they are. Many of them have very educated wives and yes, they do seem to be better parents and spouses in many aspects than quite a few of us. And most of all, remember a bullet or a mortar does not discriminate between a jawan and an officer. These very men (whose wives we would like to boss around) will be there for our husbands in the pouring rain and raging blizzards or in the blistering desert heat. These are the men who think of our husbands’ comfort before they think of theirs. These men make sure that their Sahib eats on time, that he gets warm water for his shave and that his tent is pitched first… Need I say more?

Now, back to Stepford… Welcome to the Ladies Meet where one is supposed to be social and “thrilled to bits”, because one gets to play dress-up and Tambola and sometimes even grace the makeshift ramp at theme parties. One is supposed to have a lot of fun spending a perfectly good day playing “College Girls” or a “Lady in Red”. Come to think of it, the last time I played dress up was for my junior college socials!

These activities are designed for those ladies who have nothing to do and keep saying they are bored sitting at home. I would beg to differ here. I never seem to have enough time to do all that I would like to in a day. Maybe if the memsahib did some of her own house work she would not be so bored, and the Sahib’s Sahayak could go back to his unit and continue with the training that will one day save his life in the field. After all, the government pays him to undergo training and not to dust and clean the house, baby-sit army brats and walk the dog!

Bad enough, the army does not have regular weekends like the rest of the world. The wife has to attend these gatherings while leaving her husband and kids at home… Such is quality time. But then a senior officer put it, the “lady wives should be grateful if they just get a chance to even lie down next to their husbands at night” So much for being a “lady” in the army that such things are even talked about by those called officers and gentlemen. But this is Stepford, where the MAN rules supreme.

Mommy is out socializing and Daddy as it is never has time to spare! Say hello to the ABC (Army Brat Corps). The maid or the sahayak baby-sitting them dare not do anything to displease the little Babalog, and so generally let them do what they please. Ever wondered why some of these children turn rebellious teenagers, and when daddy comes home on retirement, refuse to listen to the man who has been away while they were growing up and now suddenly wants to become a part of their lives. Maybe it doesn’t happen to everyone, but it does happen to quite a few.

Well, what if a wife refuses to join in and toe the Stepford line, you might ask. After all ours a country where freedom of thought and speech is our fundamental right even if it is just on paper. Woe betides the officer whose wife doesn’t march to the army tune. He will be hauled up time and again for his wife’s “antisocial behavior” and his career is held at ransom. He will be harassed for not doing his duties properly, till he breaks or rather his wife breaks. Maybe in unfortunate cases, the marriage breaks! If she happens to be made of stronger stuff, the advice he will be given is to split from someone whose presence is detrimental to his career. I speak from first hand experience.

Of course there is counselling for the troubled lady by well meaning people who could land up at your doorstep at midnight, and give the lady advice on how she now “belongs” to the regiment (and here we are thinking about the modern liberated woman!) and how much nicer it would be if everyone joined the bonhomie and agreed to be One Big Happy Family.

It does not matter if the officer concerned is good at what he does and has been competent good in his long years of service or that he is an honest man (an increasingly rare species to be found anywhere these days). Or that the officer, like many sensible men, wants to leave the army.

If one ever made a serious attempt to find out the number of officers wanting to leave the army, the number would no doubt be surprising. Even when army officers get decent enough pay and benefits and the army looks out for them, there are quite a few officers who want to leave and start afresh. It could be because an officer’s career rests quite largely on his wife’s social activities within the army. Meaning how well she can please the boss and his wife.

The excuse given is that it happens everywhere. Yes indeed. When corruption and nepotism are rampant in every sphere of our country, why should the army lag behind? After all, an officer should be able to survive under fire in his own unit at a peace station if he is to do well in the Counter Insurgency Operations or in the front!

Very nice indeed, but then, what if one happens to strongly support the wrong organizations like the Human Rights? I do know how Human Rights are violated in troubled areas of our country. And what if one cares what happens to the local wild life when the army is banging away its big guns and explosives at exercises in various corners of the country? And especially if one has always believed that war is never an answer, I am sure this trend of thought would not work so well within the One Big Happy Family.


To be a successful officer one needs very different qualities than those required for a good officer. Unfortunately it is the successful ones who get to the top. It really doesn’t matter if he sticks to the rules that the army vehicle given to him to facilitate him carrying out his military duties is to be used solely for that purpose alone. Not as a means of transport for his memsahib and the brats around town. In fact he is being stupid for not improving his living standards at the government’s expense.

The fact that he is stupid rather than honest is even more firmly established if he treats his sahayak as a soldier and a buddy rather than an unpaid servant, one who is supposed to help with the gardening and the household chores - including serving guests, not to mention walking the Sahib’s dog and escorting his often ill behaved child to and from school. The maxim is “everyone is doing it and you should too”.

Haven fallen in love and married a man who happens to be an army officer, I have to keep telling people that I married the man and not his uniform. Unlike many who believe that the uniform is the man, my husband does have an identity that is separate from his uniform. He too believes that I have an identity of my own and I am not wrong in refusing to be a part of something I don’t believe in. Personally I think it is a waste of my time as I can’t help but wonder how making candles or Rangolis, and participating in a “liquid bindi competition” is going to help me improve my intellectual or physical capacities in any way.

I have put my profession as a teacher and a school administrator on hold for now, and become a homemaker. My free time is devoted to furthering my education, creative writing, saving wild life and corresponding with various sponsors to raise funds for a school for underprivileged children back home. Meaning, I do not have spare time to waste.

I do not question those who enjoy the army parties and their social activities because it is none of my business. I respect a person’s personal choice… just as I expect others to respect mine. But by refusing to be a part of all this, it is understood that I have jeopardized my husband’s career. What do I have to say to that?

Here is my answer. If in the army, a good man’s worth is judged by his wife’s attendance at parties and her abilities to host a dozen dinners… If his ability as an officer is questioned because of what they deem as his wife’s “antisocial behaviour” (read, wife’s unwillingness to play up to the boss’s wife)… If his wife’s choice to lead a life of her own and work for causes she believes in is considered a huge problem and “detrimental to his career”… And if being man enough to understand a woman has her own identity makes him an incompetent officer…

It is the army’s and loss not his, because it takes guts to be such a man in this organization and stand by one’s convictions against such heavy odds. And besides… we do not want to live in Stepford!

© 2007